


i live in my own head (it only makes sense to me)

by orphan_account



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drabble, M/M, wholesome sad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 04:50:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14846069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “i’ve been told that if you repeat a word over and over it loses its meaning. i have stayed up countless nights repeating your name hoping that you will mean less with every breath.”





	i live in my own head (it only makes sense to me)

**Author's Note:**

> the summary is this angsty ass tumblr post i stumbled across so i did this ayyy
> 
> me: *shamelessly writes rare pairs in fear of spamming tags*

when luc is a few years old, he stumbles across the divine power of semantic satiation. or otherwise known as relentlessly repeating a word until his brain is scrambled and he doesn’t know any better than to hear meaningless sounds - jumbled and incoherent.

he has fun with it because that’s what it is. fun. 

different sounds shift into utterly new things, but the word itself stays the same. the pronunciation doesn’t morph, but his drawl intensifies until he slurs it. and like that, v’s turn to b’s and p’s to f’s. it’s interesting like that, unpredictable. like a choose your own adventure, but while luc flips through dictionaries.

he really has fun with it when he realizes it works with french words, too. especially well with french words, because they roll off his tongue with impeccable ease and the accents make it all the more enjoyable. 

it’s not a game of hide and seek, but semantic satiation (luc’s tried repeating that ten times over as well) - it’s the best game he knows.

it’s something he can play on long walks to school, or road trips, or hikes, it’s better than the i spy bullshit other people insist on playing, and that’s because it’s his game.

 _his_ game.

it feels nice to own something.

luc never thinks he’d still be playing it when he’s 19 and alone in his hotel room, minutes after losing a game to carolina. 

carolina - the word itself tastes bitter on his tongue, rolling off like he’s not quite accustomed to it. he is, but he doesn’t want to be. he wants to forget it exists, he wants to erase it, stomp it down, and push it away like it never mattered.

“carolina,” he says quietly to himself, into the silent abyss of his hotel room, but he quickly switches it to, “hurricanes.”

“hurricanes,” he says again, and again. three times, four times, five times - over and over until it loses it’s meaning. until his eyes sting red and his palm swipes hastily at the wetness. 

he repeats it until he can’t quite say it without his mouth feeling swollen, his tongue feeling numb to the point where it won’t quite curl to form the r’s. and he pauses, breathing in slow.

it’s therapeutic almost.

almost.

“julien,” he whispers. 

julien - julien gauthier.

ten times, he says it ten times. a harmless little name, ten times, then five more times. he knows because he counts. a few more times and it feels stiff on his tongue.

he says it until it doesn’t mean anything to him, because it shouldn’t.

since he means nothing to julien.

“julien.” who breaks it off with him on game night. 

“julien,” who deliberately gets into luc’s head.

“julien,” who tells him, “it’s not you, it’s me,” knowing full well it’s nothing but horse shit.

“julien,” who acts like he doesn’t care. like luc never meant anything to him. like - just like that, he can end things between them.

“julien,” who luc says he doesn’t miss, but he _does_. and he always will. _always, always, always._

“julien,” happy with whoever the fuck else he’ll go running to.

and luc, left with a broken heart and a spinning head. left with hopes of a future that’ll never be. left with two broken legs while he chases love. left alone. left cold. left sad. 

he hates that he gave julien the opportunity to hurt him. he should’ve done it - he should’ve hurt julien.

“julien...”

luc built this relationship off the thought that it would be safer like this, trapped with someone else. because misery likes company, it seems. but not when the company gets bored. because when the company gets bored, it packs its bags and leave.

and luc could find someone else, he could find more company. but in order to do that, he’d have to open his heart. and he doesn’t want to do that. not again.

“julien,” he says again. slowly. and it doesn’t change. it’ll always be julien. and luc will always be broken.


End file.
